Marie Sue and the Three Gypsies
by Opaque Opal
Summary: A Disney HoND spinoff of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. When Sparkle the Sue enters a Gypsy caravan, what is to become of her? Will her bed be just right? Will her stew be too cold? Please R&R! Rated T for a Mary-Sue and adult refrences. ClopinEsme. R&R!
1. Sparkle the Sue

**A/N: Yet another random idea I had. Hope you enjoy! **

Once upon a time in the city of Paris lived a family of three Gypsies. There was an extremely attractive father named Clopin, an equally attractive mother by the name of Esmeralda, and a beyond-adorable son by the name of Yuvraj.

One day they were sitting in the Court of Miracles when Esmeralda began to cook some stew. Djali was licking Yuvraj's face while Clopin was sewing the eye back on of a puppet identical to him.

"Alright gang, I've just made some stew! Eat up!" Esmeralda encouraged as she set bowls in front of her family. There was a big one for Clopin, an average sized one for her, and a small one for Yuvraj and an even tinier one for Djali. But no sooner had she sat down to take a bite, Yuvraj started to cry.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" she asked.

"This is much too hot, Mommy!" he whimpered. Clopin stuck out his tongue and tried to talk, but his words were slurred since the heat of the stew caused his tongue to swell. Djali bleated as his eyes began to water.

"Hmm, well, why don't we do something while we wait for it to cool off?" Esmeralda suggested.

"Excellent! I need to do my puppet shows anyways. You can come with me, Yuvraj," said Clopin, picking his son up and balancing him on his hip.

"Yes! And we can stare at pretty girls!" squeaked the Puppet.

"No! He can do that when he's older!" Clopin scolded, slapping his puppet on the head while Yuvraj giggled.

"And I can take Djali with me to dance for some coins. We'll meet back here in an hour or so?"

"Fine by us!" Clopin said. And with that, the family went its separate ways.

* * *

High above the catacombs walked the most beautiful yet revolting creature of all time. That's right, it was a Mary Sue, perfect in every way that made her so repulsive yet captivating to those around her. Her name was Marie Antoinette Sue Ellen Kirsten Annabelle Nicole Kidman Dunst. But many people just called her Sparkle, even though it had no relevance to her name whatsoever. Her eyelashes curled delicately over her sapphire-like eyes. Sparkle's smooth acne-free skin wasn't too dark or pale. Her teeth were white as snow, and her lips as red as blood. Her blonde hair flowed in gossamers down her waist, not even frizzing. But despite being physically beautiful, Sparkle's past was tragic. Her mother died in labor and her father gambled his money away, coming home drunk every night. Finally unable to be tormented any longer, she glided over to the cemetery in such a graceful manner some would've thought she was a ghost.

"Why is my life so terrible?" Sparkle asked, tears threatening to spill out of her glimmering eye sockets. It actually wouldn't be such a bad thing to cry. Her tears had healing powers and could cure anything from a cold to obesity. Suddenly, she spotted an open grave with a cross above it.

"Oh my land!" she gasped, placing a hand on her 38 DD bosom that didn't sag despite the fact there were no bras back then. Wanting to see what was inside, she stepped gracefully onto a stone step and descended into the sewer. Despite this was the place for human waste to go, it smelt of roses after a fresh rain storm and the water was surprisingly clean. And even though it was quite dark, Sparkle possessed night vision and could see everything perfectly.

"Don't go any further!" commanded a harsh voice. About five heavy Gypsy men surrounded her. Deciding not to hear them out, Sparkle managed to use her amazing karate skills to severely wound the men to the theme song of Mission Impossible.

"You're going to regret this!" one of the Gypsy men vowed.

"Not on my watch," Sparkle said seductively, even though the line had no relevance to the situation, plus there weren't any watches back then, only sundials, therefore leading to a run on sentence with such a miniscule historical accuracy pun that would cause historians to sob. Finally, Sparkle approached a Gypsy caravan and boldly stepped into it. Four dishes were laid out with stew in them: one big one, a medium sized one, a small one, and one that was even smaller. Feeling extremely hungry, she took a bite from Clopin's bowl. But she immediately spit it out.

"Ow! That's too hot!"

She moved on to Esmeralda's bowl.

"Brr! That's too cold!"

She then moved on to Yuvraj's tiny bowl. However, even though she should've gorged herself of that tiny bowl, she didn't. She puckered her lips, staring at the mixture with a repulsed look on her beautiful face.

"Ick! It's too spicy," she finally said. Picking up Djali's bowl, she daintily took a spoonful of it.

"Oh my good-golly gosh! This is stew is so perfect it could be like me!" she giggled. And with that, she ate it so quickly that a normal person would have heartburn and possibly burp. But since Sparkle was perfect, she didn't do that. Wandering even further into the caravan, she spotted some musical instruments in a basket. Picking up the largest one, she blew into it. A sound like a foghorn rang throughout the cramped space.

"Oh my! That instrument is much too loud!"

Rummaging through the basket, she found a wooden recorder, similar to those horrid instruments children had to play in their music classes in the United States. Blowing into it again, a high pitched sound emitted from it.

"Oh my! It sounds way too much like a Jonas Brother fangirl being boiled alive!" Sparkle proclaimed, even though the Jonas Brothers weren't born yet, and therefore leaving an unexplained plot hole. Picking up a tambourine, not realizing that she was messing up the order in which the instruments were to be played, she tapped it lightly.

"And THIS instrument is much too jingly sounding!" At long last, she finally found a cowbell that normally would've been worn by Djali.

"But this instrument is just right!" She began to ring it back and forth for several minutes until her eardrums were on the verge of exploding. Growing angry at the bell, she threw it into the fireplace that magically appeared into the caravan.

"That's for ruining my hawk-like hearing!" she cried dramatically, even though she had no clue what a hawk was. Despite only being in the caravan for a mere fifteen minutes, Sparkle began to grow tired. Yawning delicately, she finally entered a room with several beds, even though an ordinary Gypsy probably wouldn't be able to afford one.

Climbing into Clopin's bed, she was just about to shut her eyes when she jumped out.

"Oh my! This bed is much too hard!"

She then climbed into Esmeralda's bed, which had so many pillows on it you'd think the mattress had gotten leprosy, even though it's an inanimate object.

"Oh my! This bed is much too soft!"

At last, she struggled into Yuvraj's crib. But no sooner had she gotten in did she jump out, shrieking in terror.

"AAAAAAAAH! That bed has too many bed bugs that bite!"

Sparkle was about to stalk out of the room when she saw Djali's bed of hay. It looked so soft and inviting that Sparkle curled up in a ball and fell asleep within seconds. Little did she know that she was about to receive company...

* * *

**A/N: Alright, I know half of you are thinking they'd never jump out of Clopin's bed no matter how hard it was. But I felt that it had to be done. Please R&R! **


	2. Sparkle Loses Her Sparkle

**A/N: Thanks to Lennon Drop and Dragon-Girl-Begins777 for reviewing my story! Wow, I think its been a while since I actually thanked people for reviewing! Anyways, here is the final chapter of this parody! Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

It wasn't long before the Gyspy family met back in the Court of Miracles.

"How was the puppet show, dearest?" Esmeralda asked over the hustle and bustle of day-to-day activities the Gypsies were doing.

"Couldn't have been better. But Yuvraj started to have a sneezing fit so we closed early" Clopin said, watching his son pick his nose and rub his eyes at the same time. Djali bleated happily, eager to eat the stew Esmeralda had made.

"If you don't mind me asking, why is the door to the caravan open?" Esmeralda asked.

"Who knows? Probably another air-headed girl with a tragic past came in looking to be my mistress," Clopin shrugged.

"That'll be the eighth time this week!" Esmeralda said in exasperation, going into the caravan.

"Someone's been eating our stew!" she cried, looking at the used spoons in disgust. Djali bleated loudly, as if to say "Well, someone ate all mine, and I'm bloody hungry!"

"You don't think the intruder is still in here?" Clopin asked as Yuvraj buried his face into his father's shoulder, whimpering.

"Don't talk like that! You'll scare the baby!" Esmeralda scolded, offering to hold him. As she balanced her son on her hip, she unsheathed the dagger she wore under her skirts. Clopin took his dagger from his belt and tossed into the air, catching it again while Djali snorted and stomped his hooves.

"Frollo's not here, is he Mommy?" Yuvraj asked.

"No, trust me. We would've known," Esmeralda promised. She knew for a fact that Frollo wasn't there. For he wouldn't have just ransacked one caravan, the entire Court would've been burned. And with that, they wandered into the room with the musical instruments. They were scattered all over the place and the basket was overturned.

"Someone clearly has been playing with all our instruments," Clopin said. Yuvraj began to squirm, pointing at the diminishing fire in the fireplace.

"What is it?" Esmeralda asked, keeping a firm grip on him. If there was an intruder in the house, she wasn't about to let her son crawl around. A twisted piece of metal lay in the coals. Djali bleated as if to say "Hey! Someone played my instrument and then threw it in the fire!" Hoping the intruder was away, they made their way into the bedroom.

"Hey! Someone's been sleeping in my bed! And without me in it, that's quite a shocker!" Clopin said.

Esmeralda glared at him, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed too!"

Yuvraj started shouting "Crib! Sleep!" which essentially meant the same thing Esmeralda stated. Djali bleated loudly at his pile of hay as if saying "Hey! Someone IS sleeping in my bed!"

The family gathered around Sparkle, intrigued but horrified at her perfect looks. Her blonde hair was slightly hanging over he beautiful face, while the rest of it fanned out on the hay. The crook of her elbow lay just behind her neck while her other hand was right by her hip.

"I've got an idea," Clopin whispered, rubbing his hands together maliciously. Before Esmeralda could ask what, he dashed out of the room.

"What are you doing, Clopin?" she asked as Yuvraj started to tug on her pink ribbon in her hair. He was stoking the fire and preparing to boil water. Ignoring her, he rummaged through the cupboard until he found a wooden goblet.

"Oh, just an old trick my cousin did to me when I was a lad," grinned the Gypsy King, "Just do me a favor and make sure that girl doesn't wake up."

Esmeralda cocked an eyebrow, unsure of whether to glare or laugh at her husband's slyness. When the water was quite warm (but not to the point of boiling), he dipped the goblet into it and pranced back into the room.

"Alright. I'm going to dip this girl's hands into the water. Djali, you be prepared to butt her head. Esmeralda, go fetch my instrument and make sure that Yuvraj is in front of her face."

"Clopin-" she warned. Giving up, she went to fetch his instrument and placed her son in front of the girl's face. When she got back, Clopin was grinning. He had taken hold of the girl's wrist and placed it into the water. Within minutes, they could hear a faint tinkling noise.

"You're cleaning that up," Esmeralda commanded. She didn't like where this was going. But if it was the only way to get these girls out of the Court of Miracles for good, she was all for it. Yuvraj started picking his nose again, but then stuck it into Sparkle's ear. That was the cue; Djali rammed the girl's head with his horns, Esmeralda blew the loud instrument, and Yuvraj sneezed into Sparkle's face.

"AAAAAAHHH!!" she shrieked, sounding similar to a High School Musical fangirl realizing that Troy and Gabriella had broken up.

"Let this be a lesson to you never to come into our home again!" Clopin said, using his murderous tone.

"But sir! All I wanted to do was escape my tragic past to live among those at the bottom of social pyramid!" Sparkle cried.

"Be gone! You're just going to end up being the object of lust for every male character only to dump us all for Djali in the end!" Clopin said. Sparkle began to sob, splashing her magical tears onto Yuvraj's nose.

"Hey! I gots no more boogies!" he giggled.

"That's not true!" Sparkle declared defiantly, making sure her bosom was sticking out, "us Mary-Sues are greatly appreciated in this 15th century world! Our beautiful looks and amazing personalities have really improved the story's plotline."

"Oh, excuse me while I go vomit," Esmeralda said, looking thoroughly sick.

"Correction; you just insert yourself into the story and make yourself the object of lust for every male character." Clopin clarified.

"Humph!" Sparkle replied grumpily, crossing her arms over her well-endowed chest.

"Well, if you're not going to leave, we have no choice but to summon the SSS," Esmeralda said.

"Huh?" Sparkle asked, her bright eyes blinking innocently.

"Exactly."

Loud wailing noises began to ring throughout the caravan. And within minutes, thousands of boys and girls alike swarmed into the room. Those who couldn't fit surronded the caravan.They were wearing black spandex and ski goggles. Right where a breast pocket would normally be, the words SSS were monogrammed in pink lettering. Obviously for the dudes though, it was in blue. On their sleeves were their initials of their pen names.

"What's that stand for?" Sparkle asked.

"We're the Suethor Suicide Squad. We patrol every fan archieve in the FanFiction world to make sure people like you, as well as your creators, are eliminated," said one of the SSS members. She was a female, and the letters LC were emblazoned on her sleeve.

"What are you going to do to me?" whimpered Sparkle.

"You'll find out soon enough," said another SSS member. The initials on his sleeve were DR. Within seconds, Sparkle was reprimanded and put into handcuffs.

"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" she snarled, trying her best to do karate moves with both hands behind her back.

"Tsk, tsk. We've got a lot of work on our hands," said a girl with FW on her arm.

"Yeah. But we're going to have a lot of fun with her, aren't we ST?" said a girl with LD on her arm.

"Oh, I can guarantee that!" the girl laughed.

"Trust us, she's in very good hands," said another girl with FC on her arm.

"Really?" Sparkle asked.

"Yeah, right!" chuckled another SSS member. She was also a female, with the initials DB on her arm. And with that, Sparkle was dragged off by the SSS and never saw the Court of Miracles again.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, quite the different ending I had in store for Sparkle, but I'm quite happy with it. The initials of the following SSS members are as follows (in order of appearance in the story):**

**_LC is LazyChestnut_**

**_DR is Deathrace4000_**

**_FW is Forestwater_**

**_ST is Scribe of all Trades_**

**_LD is Lennon Drop_**

**_FC is FrodosChick_**

**_DB is Dragon-Girl-Begins777_**

**To those authors and authoressess who had longer penames, I just took the first and last initials to simplify it a bit. Please R&R!**


End file.
